I Moved to China, How Come I’m Not Rich?

This is a guest post by Jay Qiao. He is a friend of the band but we don’t necessarily agree with him.

After I graduated from the University of California at Humboldt Metallurgical Institute with a degree in Gender Studies and Comparative Fiction I couldn’t figure out what to do next. I mean you graduate in the Spring and the pot harvest isn’t until like October. I just couldn’t sit around and wait.

Then one day I was on Craigslist looking for something to do (full disclosure: I was totally trolling the San Francisco Casual Encounters section looking for a little lovin’ but I digress). There were a lot of ads for sperm donation but I’m like religious and stuff so I couldn’t do that. Finally I saw this ad to teach Kindergarten in someplace called Henan. Now I’m an ABC BRO but I totally didn’t even know where Henan was. But moving to China sounded fun for 3 reasons: I could maybe (or finally) get laid, I could get a job that fit my awesome degree and I would totally be rich. I mean there are like 3 BILLION Chinese people. If everyone gives you a dollar, you’re totes a billionaire.

Within weeks I was totally living in Henan! Awesome! I am now a China BRO!

Fast forward a bit. It’s been 3 years and I’ve learned & seen so much. I’ve had a lot of really bad cross-cultural sex, I’ve gotten drunk and I’ve flirted with my students. Now, I even live in China’s capital, Beijing. Best of all, I speak Chinese well enough to pick up all the bar floozies named Suzy and Tingting. I know that my Bar Chinese isn’t good enough so I keep looking for a teacher. I check the Beijinger and I hit up all these girls with names like Chery or Apples, but after a few lessons we’re studying a different kind of stroke order. They always leave though. I don’t know why. It doesn’t matter though because the Beijinger is always there with a slew of fresh choices.

My life is great, but there’s just one problem. I’m not rich yet. It’s ok though because I know I will be. After I teach English for a few more years I’m def. going to Law School. Law School is where it’s at. After I finish Law School, I will move back to Beijing and get one of those awesome jobs where a guy that smells like garlic and cheap cigarettes drives you to work every single day. Maybe K Kuo and the boys will even let me in the Sina Circle Jerk!

China hasn’t made me rich yet, but I know it will.

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